I can hear some readers groaning through the ether (in frustration, most likely).
You’re likely in one of three boats around this question. One, you are in the mood and/or you’re the one asking for sex, wondering how to take your partners to sexytown. Two, you’re the one being asked for it and that gives you anything but a lady boner. Three, you’re somewhere in the middle, longing for your former lusty libido perhaps, kind of wanting to have sex, or at least value having sex, but it feels effortful to actively get there.
There are good reasons for sex and I could wax both poetic and scientific on the innumerable health and other benefits of a healthy/happy lifelong sex life. And… there are also good reasons why many people struggle to get into it: from trauma, religious or other kinds of shame, loathing one’s body, hormonal cycles, peri/menopause, long term relationships, parenthood, overwhelm/burnout/mental health, not being heard/seen, lack of emotional intimacy/connection, beloveds not doing the effing dishes(!), and so much more.
We’re also swimming in some interesting waters these days with an increased awareness of consent, an attempt to redress the imbalance of men (vs women) having pleasure/orgasms during sex, and re-writting of the message to wives that it was somehow their “duty” to please their men. Thank Goddess. But the code will take time to deeply rewire in most brains, and most of us female types still internalize that our role in life is to be of service.
That being said, if you’ve been with someone for a while, there is a decent chance you probably like them. Even though new relationship energy (NRE) affects a lot of people, some people have trouble wanting sex right from the beginning of a relationship too. In both cases, you likely WANT to want them, and sex with them. We know sex is good for most couples’ level of relationship satisfaction. So what’s a gal/person to do if desire eludes them?
I invite you to pause for a moment and dream a little with me. Whatever your background, or current situation, imagine for a moment YOUR ideal set-up for sex in your life. (I’m all for fantasy, believe me, but in this case I am asking you to work within your quote on quote reality, so no hot wolf/fae scenes at this point, ok? ;)
Consider these questions:
Firstly, do you still want (to want) spicy time with your current partner(s), like ever?
If so, even if it is hard to believe, what would a great sex life look like (now, not when you were younger, or first got together)?
What would ideally happen leading up to sex?
What would have to be in play otherwise in your relationship?
What would be different in this ideal scenario about your own body’s physical reactions/interest?
What would be different about your behaviour?
And what would après-sex look like?
I also invite you to talk about these topics with your friends, your family (if yours is open like that), your therapist, counsellor or coach. It makes a huge difference to normalize these conversations and struggles with others.
Because it isn’t weird to find desire hard to access. It is, in fact, deeply normal.
Did you know most women (but not only women) have what’s called responsive desire? It’s when desire follows actions, rather than horniness just spontaneously occurring. So it’s essential for all parties involved to learn what “actions” lead your sweet self there. I wasn’t kidding about the dishes, it’s been proven that helping ease whatever load the lover carries is effective foreplay. Doing those acts says: “I see how hard you’re working, and what preoccupies you, and I want to make your life easier and more pleasurable”.
One method to determine the roadmap to sexytown is through figuring out what is “lust adjacent” for you or your partner(s). I get that term from Emily Nagoski’s excellent guide for couples “Come Together” (which is not about simultaneous orgasms!). I recommend reading every word she’s written, in general, so I won’t go too deeply into it. But the gist is that there are ways we can behave that might lead us, indirectly, to feeling horny. Some examples include being playful with each other (karaoke, throwing leaves at each other in the fall, sports, dress up…), sharing interests/hobbies, taking care of each other logistically or emotionally, experiencing/sharing anger or grief with each other (these are genuine routes to lust for many) etc. She encourages us to pay attention, looking back on what happened BEFORE we said “yes” to sex. What was the CONTEXT, a big word in her work.
Context is a core element to desire. When you say “yes”, where does the “yes” come from? I’m hoping in this case it isn’t just from obligation. I mean a “yes” where you’re actually tempted. Did you feel seen and appreciated recently? Did you find an activity that was sufficiently relaxing and fun for you to get into the moment and your body? Had you spoken with your lover(s) about your body’s needs beforehand, what hurts these days, what feels good, and they were willing/eager to work with that?
Another key piece is the boogeyman in the room, pressure. Oh, what a mood killer. I see you higher desire partners out there, and how difficult it can be to be cool. Many of us find sex to be one of, if not the best way for us to fully connect with our partners. But as I remind myself, and the partners of my clients, there is an art to wooing. The time and effort to be really present to our beloveds, to listen, to create appealing contexts, is WORTH it. Many folks need to have their brains and hearts seduced, more than their genitals. It’s so much better when our lovers are all in, right??
Additionally, how often people have sex isn’t the measure of success, it’s how pleasurable whatever you do feels (thanks Nagoski for those truth nuggets too). Not even how many orgasms, nor how wet/hard we are, as our bodies change a lot around those and they aren’t wholly reliable measures of a good time.
Ok, it may be pedantic, but we can also ask ourselves “what even IS sex?”. I invite you to consider that question for yourselves. Is your sex formulaic, a bit of kissing, some handsy/mouthy moments and then penis in vagina sex until ejaculation? No shade on what works for folks, but there is a WORLD of wonders possible between people. If you aren’t enjoying sex, in addition to all the other factors, it may be WHAT you’re doing (or not doing) that’s key. There are books and sites aplenty for that research, but suffice it to say that the amount of fun that consenting folks can have with their bodies is endless.
The thing is, most couples have to prioritize sex (or sexy activities anyway) for it to happen. And the data Emily Nagoski collated shows that friendship and prioritizing sex are the 2 key determinants for long term relationship satisfaction. We live within the myth that sex should “just happen”. It can be hard for those for whom pressure is a turn off to plan sex. So don’t plan “sex” exactly, in that case. Plan “special couple time”, no kids, where chores are sufficiently complete and you can hang out in “lust adjacent” spaces. I know some folks may need to go away semi-regularly for this to work! Be sensual and playful. Listen, pay attention, engage. Remember that you like them, and you may hopefully tonight, want them.
Let’s not forget about your own sexual world. It's not just up to the lover(s) to get you in the mood. It would behoove you to explore your own sexuality, bringing more self-touch into your life, discovering/rediscovering what pleases you now. Our bodies change a lot, and what we like (or what’s possible) can change along with it! Like a slightly prolapsed bladder can make one suddenly be a squirter (just saying ;). Or air pulse vibrators may be a sudden revelation. If you have genital/urinary pain or discomfort, I recommend support from pelvic floor therapists, who know vaginas VERY well and are great help for tight vaginas and pelvic floor issues. Also consider using vaginal estrogen, which is deemed safe for nearly all vaginas. Doctors tend to be willing to prescribe it, and the dose is low. But it can thicken/lubricate thinning/dryer vaginal walls, and help urethras be less cranky, among other benefits. Feeding your inner fire helps too (reading/listening to erotic content, thinking about sex more often, getting more into your sensual experience of the world, increasing things that make you feel alive). Getting more sleep (ha) of course helps everything, as well reducing your overall life load to increase capacity.
Lastly, check in with what turns you on generally. There are ways to find hints, such as which scenes in books or on screen do something for you. Or think back on great sex you might have had in the past. What factors were present? You can consider what you fantasize about, and hints therein (find more on that topic here). All this research helps you identify acts you might want to share with lovers, but more importantly ways you want to feel: powerful or taken, worshipped or humiliated, safe or dangerous, romantic, spiritual, playful etc.
There is a lot to chew on here. Take it slowly. Be intentional. Feel free to ask for my help, anytime.
So, readers, I hope this helps. If you wish to be in the mood, I wish for you that these breadcrumbs guide you somewhere sweet, possibly stretching your comfort zone in a good way, but bringing you and your beloveds untold pleasure. May it be so.
