Permission to fantasize!
How many of you grew up with the message that there is something wrong or even shameful about having sexual fantasies? Especially other than vanilla ones about your spouse! And how many of you are hesitant to share some or all of your sexual fantasies in case of ridicule or censure, even with lovers?
Did you know that 97% of us fantasize? By this I mean we have sexy images, sensory details, words and scenes that play out in our heads and turn us on. Even people that don’t think they fantasize likely do, though it may be more subtle for them than imagining sexy vampires or probing aliens!
Do you fantasize? Here are some ways this can look:
Something being done to you, or you doing something to another
Memories of what happened with lovers, or that you wish to happen
A subtle feeling from the bare hint of a story or memory
A super elaborate story line with supporting characters and a well developed setting
Something you wouldn’t want in real life (this is super common!)
Being with multiple people or beings at once, strangers, or attraction to other genders than usual
Stories involving power (dominance/submission), sensation play or pain
Doing something (or someone) unusual, novel, naughty or forbidden
It’s also good to notice the sexy stories or videos we like to consume. They may be the same, similar, or different from our mental fantasies.
The content of our fantasies (and consumption thereof) can change through our lifetime, but there are often core themes that get us going, ways we want to FEEL in the fantasy scenes directly, or vicariously through a character. These are often similar to how we want to FEEL during sexy times, some examples of which are feeling ravaged, overpowered, powerful, dominant, desired, adored, worshiped, humiliated, beautiful and so many more. So let’s say we get off on a fantasy we maybe don’t want for real (eg. a public sex scene), because the feeling of being naughty/exposed/caught is a turn on, there are ways to use that information during sex (I’ll explain more in a moment).
Remember that even if what turns us on, the feelings that make us aroused, do not align with activities we want to replicate in real life (though many adults do, with agency/consent), we can still use the information to craft hotter sex. So for the person with a public sex fantasy above, they can imagine people are watching, running a scene in their mind during sexy time. Or if their lover(s) know about the fantasy and want to play along, they could whisper things like “I bet so and so can see us right now”, or “they’ll be back any minute.” And/or they could lean into the ways their lover wants to feel by doing some activity more appropriate to their relationship, but that still makes the lover feeltheir core desires of being naughty or exposed such as them doing a strip-tease and getting cat calls. Make sense?
You don’t have to understand (or be comfortable) with the content of your own or your lovers’ fantasies, to use the core desire behind them effectively (as above with the strip-tease idea). Like with everything sexual, communication and boundaries are essential for all parties to feel good about what’s happening. I also recommend not feeling stuck in a fantasy; allow it to morph along with your vibe.
Opening up to and accepting our (and our lovers’) fantasies may require dancing with our shadow selves, our demons, and wrangling our religious or social programming, not to mention our politics (as so many yummy fantasies may feel anti-feminist). But it’s doable, especially if you’re committed to honoring your own and others’ sexy selves.
Why is fantasy important, useful and even fun? Because it’s a window into our erotic natures, a way to keep our child-like and playful imaginations alive, and a great way to spice things up alone or with lovers. Sex can get routine for a lot of folks, and so I hope you are encouraged by this post to allow more fantasy into this realm of your lives.
It’s important that I leave you all with one essential truth. Ready?
EVERY FANTASY IS ALLOWED. NOTHING IS OFF LIMITS.
I can hear the unspoken “buts”, and I would remind us all that just because a certain taboo fantasy gets our rocks off, it doesn’t mean we’re bad people, nor does it imply we’ll do it for real, nor harm anyone because of having those fantasies.
Our fantasies are our own, and never need to be shared if we don’t want to, nor do they mean we’re any less into our lovers. Sometimes fantasy is just the thing we need to get us over the edge to the big O.
Sexy spring blessings, full of erotic imaginings and big Os to you all!
