What are we waiting for?
I feel like we're all waiting for something. More money, more time, more courage, more energy, an accountability buddy who gets us to the gym, better health, the right person, the right moment. I'm not saying those don't help - sometimes those are key to taking action. Nor do I want to minimize the VERY real struggles out there, often heaping piles of inequity and b/s, mixed with mental and physical health variables. And there is no guarantee anything will work, even if we do get all our ducks in a row. Life will keep messing up the proverbial hand towel on our rack - not sure that’s a proverb, maybe just my own hang up ;).
What comes to your mind when you hear that question? Does it feel judgy? Like someone asking why you aren't going to the gym, asking that cutie on a date, or making that career leap? Does it also make you feel defensive when someone implies that we SHOULD be doing something, or pressing on a sore spot about something we really do want to do, but are not currently. Does it lack authenticity, being a cliché?
I hope you stay with me anyway. If we’re gonna get real here, get vulnerable, which I promise to, can we actually let the question penetrate us a little?
What, in fact, are we waiting for?
The first thing that comes to mind for me is why it took so long to step into my passion for sexual health and pleasure as a career and what my timing reveals. It was, and remains, a MASSIVE life change. I still feel the shock. Covid times, perimenopause and a fresh, painful breakup may not seem like fertile soil to grow a business. They actually were, for me, and many others. I stepped outside the usual rules of time and space as I had known them, and took all the destruction/creation energy to phoenix something different. Plus some changes in funding in my former career, and a kind of stuckness at work gave me a needed push (there is usually some opportunity like that to inspire big changes, whether wanted or not). But I could have looked for different employment.
I had seen the writing on the wall, and had already been getting ready for change. What made me leap into the unknown instead and do something so thoroughly terrifying/exciting? I guess I was waiting for inspiration/desperation, combined with opportunity, combined with resources (I had a little savings).
I also wanted to feel like the universe was with me. Are you the type to wait for signs? Maybe some greater beings sit out there hoping we notice the signs they leave. And/or maybe we make meaning from whatever we encounter, and it says more about our state of mind and soul. Either way, I was catching a strong “now!” vibe.
My support system changed, too. My new partner dreamed with me - she got behind the vision of healthy sexuality for all. She made me a stunning wood placard with my logo to hang outside my new door to welcome in my clientele. She and I share a gorgeous relationship lab of our own making, sharing deeply, being seen compassionately, getting uncomfortable and honest, prioritizing repair, exploring alternative relationship styles, not to mention relishing in and debriefing our sexcapades. We still falter, and fall into patterns and traps, but we are skillful in helping each other get back up and reconnect. Many of my clients benefit from our hard-won wisdom and observations.
Speaking of healthy sexuality, I ask myself this question daily about potential clients: why do so many people wait til the very last second after everything in the house is repaired and all of their work is finished and every bill is paid and everything is nicely tied up before they decide now is the time to improve their sex life? To finally love their bodies. To prioritize their own pleasure. Why? Why is improving intimacy with their partner(s) the last thing on the list? Why do we pay contractors but not sexologists, even though we know how much more impactful it might be to most relationships? Why do we wait? Even I, who was literally raised by a sex therapist, lived through challenging, fallow, unhappy years because I was afraid to shake perceived stability, and afraid to face the agony of truth.
Part of my courage now comes from committing to an interesting life. Many parts of me just want to hide under a snuggly blanket with a good romantasy novel, and I need to do that regularly to rest and recover… Because I also do wonderful, scary things like talk to (and in front of) strangers about sex, enjoy improv dance and theatre, wrestle with ethical non-monogamy, dance like everyone’s watching (burlesque and more!), and wake up with intense vulnerability hangovers. You know, the feeling of fear creeping back in, asking “what did they think of me?” and more critically, “was I too much??”. Pacing is important for this lifestyle to work, getting a mix of out there, and in here. But I actively refuse now to be ruled by shame and fear, to make myself small for others. Life is short, and as I said above, nothing is guaranteed. So I actively practice tools to keep discovering more about myself and others’ needs and desires, and to enjoy this body, in my “one wild and precious life” (Mary Oliver).
What about you? Do you:
Know deep down that more is possible for you, sexually and/or in general?
Believe you deserve pleasure?
Feel nurtured by your context to even dream of change?
Feel selfish to enjoy life when there is so much suffering?
Think it helps those who suffer for you to withhold your joy?
Wish things were different for you?
Not everyone wants change, either. It can be excruciating or unnecessary. Society doesn’t make it easy.
And the truth is:
Not everyone is ready.
Sometimes certain things need to be in place, like better childcare, or things need to get bad enough. Or there needs to be capacity, or a willing partner (though you can do a lot even without one). Sometimes psychotherapy comes first, to address deeper traumas and heal enough to be ready to bloom. Or there has to be enough space in your life to see beyond this moment.
And maybe the thing that you've been waiting for is for me to write receipts for insurance benefits. So if that's the case, yay! I hope that's a sufficient catalyst. Plus the fact that my clients make big progress when they get the right kind of support, as is so often the case.
Maybe the last piece of the puzzle for you is permission, inner or outer, to even contemplate this area of your life. Well, you have mine. I am more than sufficiently credentialed to grant you permission to explore! Uncover shame. Unroot conditioning. Find out more about who you are and what you like. Rediscover playfulness and presence and letting go. Moving sexuality up the priority list (if you’re not asexual), with support, can breathe life and vitality into every other area of your life. I know this first hand.
Whatever the case, whether ready or not, thank you. Thank you for listening to your body, for doing what’s right for you. There are many paths home to connection, pleasure and joy.
Thank you, whatever you decide, for reading my words and seeing me. Maybe one day, I’ll see you too.
