Yes?

Tell me about yours, and I’ll tell you about mine…

YES! is my word of the month, and I'm feelin' it. I'm feeling YES. Mostly. Hear me out - this isn’t a motivational speech on positivity. It was the word on a little card I "randomly" picked from a bowl of cards I made for my clients to take, and my first reaction (since I was tired) was a little lukewarm, like “really?”.

I decided to give it a chance and take the card for an adventure outside the door to my office, onto the porch and around my garden, feeling it vibe differently in each space. 

When it was on my red office door, YES felt like an invitation inside, for people, but also for abundance and creativity. Yes, you will find/learn/make good things here. Yes, you’ve come to the right door.

On the leaves, YES read as a prayer, an acknowledgement of the majesty and beauty of Nature, and how we belong together.

Nestled within the rocks, against a large piece from Thunder Bay, YES seemed at home, grounded. Like a “yes” spoken with a period after, instead of its fancier cousin, the “yes!” with the flourish of an exclamation mark. Yes, we’re here. Yes, we’re this.

One of my gnomes holds YES out as an offering, “Sister, take it - it’s right here and freely given.” Like we were born worthy to hold the word in our own hands. To wield it. Offer it. Yes.

On my knee, YES reminds us to kneel and show gratitude for the rich complexity of life. To be playful, crawl around, and look up. 

Coming out of my mouth, YES is offered with agency, consent and intent. It is built on the back of my NO, so you know that I mean them both. That I have the power to offer them both freely. That my words have integrity, and value.

I’ve had a thing for a long time for the word “yes”. As a young adult I’d write it everywhere, on my notebooks, on walls. I made “yes” themed art. It felt counter-culture in the late 90s somehow, a resistance to elements of my upbringing, and the heartaches of coming out. I wanted to shout YES to life, to living the full vibrant experience, and to creatively authoring as much of it as I could. Toxic positivity hadn’t been born yet, grunge music played alongside our lives, and I felt a lot of NO energy coming my way. No, don’t be gay, no don’t be weird, no don’t show your clithood piercing to people at the party (for the record, it was a hit). So I felt kind of revolutionary with my yesses. They could, and still can be scary, since they mean stepping outside my comfort zone, confronting something real. Each one an act of sovereignty and a bratty refusal to conform. 

If I’m being honest, which it’s clearly too late to avoid, some of my yesses were also to please others, a condition plaguing so many of us. My boundaries weren’t well developed, and I let poor behaviours from others slide. Is that familiar for you as well? We need to forgive our past selves, even yesterday’s, because we are human, complex and always learning.

Spoken truly, the word yes demands self-awareness (“Do you like what I’m doing?” “Do you want this?”). Do I? One could lie, of course, to appease the lover, “Yes, so good”. But us pleasure warriors look inside, feel into our knowing, our senses, so that our yesses mean “Just like that”. Sometimes it’s an issue of feeling safe enough, well enough received in our wholeness. Being ready to take a calculated risk in favour of growth and pleasure. For me, the challenge has been a combination of developing deep body awareness, and also trusting the other’s desire/patience/dedication enough to orgasm at their hand.

What a nuanced word, our little pal YES. 

How are your yesses? Do they feel authentic? Are they plentiful or rare, easy or hard to offer? Does it differ for you in different contexts? 

How about the bedroom*?

*kitchen floor, couch, car.. so many options.

Many of my clients find it hard to relax into receiving physical pleasure, to know what they like and want, and to express wishes or feedback during sexy times. The good news is that you can learn these skills, just like my clients are, just like I did. It comes from getting to know your own body, both with touch and by practicing mindful awareness in general of your body and its messaging/wants/needs. Your mind alone can’t think through whether something is a yes, nor does it have to be a yes just because it was yesterday, or with that other guy. 

Only your body, as it is right now, living what is right here, can really confirm if a sultry yyyyeeeessss should be slipping through your lips.

Yes?